Sexual healingSexI'm a happy gay man but my partner is bored of sex with me and I'm worried about what he and others would think if they found out about my deviancyI'm a happy gay man in my late 50s, but my partner of 24 years has got bored of sex with me. I find I only get turned on now by being humiliated by other men, having them laugh at my small penis and spanking me. I am disturbed by this, but still enjoy it. I worry, though, about what others, especially my partner, would think if they found out about this deviancy.
Consensual BDSM play is not unusual, and what's more, your erotic interest in humiliation is all the more powerful because you are judgmental about such desires in yourself and others. Even the secrecy of your private fantasies – both acted out and imagined – helps to elevate the erotic charge. If you are playing out your desires in a safe, consensual fashion with trustworthy partners, your main risk is discovery and its consequences.
Think carefully about how your partner would react, and exactly what it would mean for your relationship. Might you be unconsciously responding to your partner's rejection by having a secret erotic life you half-wish he knew about? Or perhaps you are actually testing the steadfastness of your partner, even looking for a way out?
Sometimes people unconsciously design the demise of a relationship as a partner's response to unacceptable behaviour, because they cannot bear the thought of being the one to leave. Think carefully about this. Such passive-aggressive acting-out could lead to unnecessary pain for both of you.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
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