TW: Narcissistic abuse
Like many forms of psychological abuse, narcissistic abuse can be so dangerously subtle and insidious that you aren't even aware it's happening. That's why it's so important to ask: what is a narcissist?
Researchers have defined narcissistic personality disorder as: “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance”.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can have a serious impact on your mental health and could lead to serious trauma if you're not made aware of the warning signs and ways to navigate this situation.
As self-confessed narcissist Russell Brand has been accused of rape, abuse and sexual assault, after a lengthy investigations by The Times, Sunday Times and Channel 4's Dispatches team, with his former PA Helen Berger describing Brand as narcissistic, claiming she had to show him photographs of his own face just to get his attention, it's time we talked about narcissistic relationship patterns and how to spot one.
If you're concerned that your friend or partner is a narcissist and potentially subjecting you to narc abuse, here are Dr Paglia's 10 warning signs (narcissistic behaviour examples) to look out for...
1. Charming, but for their own good
At the start, they will come across incredibly charming with their charismatic personality. They will try their best to win you over with their charm. They will make you feel special.
2. Instant gratification required
You will find them self-absorbed and self-centred all the time and they expect you to fulfil their needs instantly. They might fight with you if you don’t do what they want, answer their call and texts immediately or you don’t do the things their way.
3. Entitlement is their go-to
They often expect exceptional treatment from others. In their minds, the world revolves just around them. To spot this, try and observe their behaviour when they visit a restaurant with you – see how they behave with the waiters and other staff members. If they are all about picking mistakes and making them embarrassed, then that’s a sign of narcissism.
4. Love to talk about themselves
One of the easiest ways to track a narcissistic personality? See if they want to talk or listen. A narcissist loves to talk about themselves exaggeratedly and excitedly. If they dominate the conversation every time you talk about something, then that’s a strong sign of narcissism.
5. They're unreliable
Another way to spot a narcissist is to see how much they act according to their words. Many of them don’t follow through on what they say they'll do. They will break promises, not stick to appointments, and fail in fulfilling any agreements. This can also mean that they are emotionally available one time and are gone the next.
6. They manipulate and feel no guilt at all
Some narcissists use their partners, friends and co-workers to fulfil their personal needs, fulfil their ambitions and cover up their flaws. For example, they might say things like: "I can’t wait for you to meet my friends so that they can be jealous", or "I get to live with my girlfriend rent-free and use her car". They don’t see anything wrong with this, since they lack empathy, and some narcissists even have what we call ‘cognitive empathy’ – they understand at an intellectual level how others feel and use this to manipulate them.
7. There are consequences when their demands are not met
They can’t stand disappointments or rejection at any stake. If they want you to do things their way, you must. Otherwise, there are consequences. They become rude, fight with you, or worse, might torture you emotionally. These are all the tactics they use to make you do whatever they want.
8. They don't 'do' commitment
You might have fallen in love with their charming and charismatic personality, but you won’t get a serious relationship out of it. They often have commitment issues. They often take advantage of their relationship with you but keep an eye on the options outside, and you might catch them looking at other people intimately.
9. Always breaking the rules
Narcissists tend to believe that they make their own rules. They seldom care about what the regulations and boundaries are around them, and believe everyone should follow their rules instead.
Signs to look out for: cutting a queue, stealing office supplies, disobeying traffic rules, and breaking multiple appointments. And, above all, they will feel pride in it, and don’t care if their behaviour is affecting society or others in any way.
10. Constantly putting others down
Their gratitude and superiority come from putting others down constantly, making jokes or comments to make you feel embarrassed or inferior. Consider if there have been any changes in your personality – your confidence has slipped, you don't think you deserve anything good – as these thoughts and feelings are likely a result of the narcissist putting you down.
11. Gaslighting is their go-to
One of the most common traits of a narcissist is convincing others to doubt their own instincts or sanity. They will deflect responsibility and invalidate your feelings on a subject by making you doubt your own memories and thoughts by denying that they have value or ever occurred.
This is emotional abuse, and can be really hard to identify because of its manipulative nature.
12. Lack of long-term friendships
Of course, there might be a number of reasons why a friend or partner may not have any (or many) long-term relationships. But, it is something worth looking out for.
The reason for this is a narcissist may not see the point in maintaining friendships once they feel they have served their own needs, or perhaps they are too pre-occupied with their own self image and are worried about how said friend(s) might damage it.
Other FAQs about narcissistic behaviour
GLAMOUR asked psychotherapist and executive coach Desiree Silverstone to answer our burning questions about
Can a narcissist love?
“It is possible for a narcissist to love someone else, but it will likely be different than how other people experience love,” Silverstone says.
"They tend to think of love in terms of possession—they want to "own" their partner, or at least be admired by them. This isn't exactly an equal relationship based on trust and mutual respect. A narcissist's love can often be conditional; if their partner does not meet their standards, the narcissist may become cold and distant."
What attracts someone to a narcissist?
“At first glance narcissists may appear confident and self-assured, which can be appealing qualities when looking for a partner or friend,” Silverstone explains. "They also tend to have an air of superiority that makes them seem like they could understand your problems better than anyone else around you – even if this is far from true in reality.
“This feeling of being understood is something many people crave.”
She adds: “Narcissists will use their charm, wit, and charm to get people to do what they want without any resistance or questioning.”
Does a narcissist know they are hurting you?
This one is complicated – and experts disagree on the answer.
“Some argue that narcissists are aware of their damaging behaviours but choose not to care as long as it gets them what they want in the end – ultimately their selfishness overrides any feelings of guilt or remorse for how it affects others,” Silverstone says.
“Or, it is possible that some narcissists are conscious of their behaviour and do have feelings of guilt or remorse over how they act, but often this awareness is so deeply buried under the surface that it’s impossible to tell.”
If any of the warning signs or other information discussed in this article rings a bell and you'd like further information and advice, visit theechosociety.org.uk, a not-for-profit organisation who provide support and raise awareness of narcissistic abuse.
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