Ask PhilippaFamilyNow is the time to say ‘No!’ It will feel frightening, but you must do it anyway and, with time, you will feel more confident
The question I am 80 years old. My single 50-year-old daughter has relied on me for a long time to help her with her autistic son, my grandson, now 16. Her stepfather, my husband of 40 years, has been a wonderful grandfather to him. She has lost contact with her son’s dad. The other grandparents who live close by have nothing to do with them.
Last year I had to stay at her house for three weeks while she did a course. As time went on it became clear that her course would mean she would be away on far more occasions. We sold our house in Spain so that we could be on hand even more. I found this sale stressful and my health deteriorated during that time. The completion date was to be on a day when she wanted me to be with our grandson. I told her I would have to be in Spain and she was extremely nasty, bullying me into changing the day to suit her. We had to change the documents and rush everything. We then had to dash up by car to look after my grandson.
This year an elderly relative died, leaving my niece and me to sort out my father’s house – he died 30 years ago – and put it on the market. Again, my daughter said it was inconvenient for her and I would have to join the funeral online or tell the family to change the day. She said I was a bad mother for not doing either of these things.
This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how she uses me, and has nothing but ingratitude for everything I do for her. She appears to be meek and mild, but is being horrible to me, though never in front of anyone else. She inherited plenty of money from her biological father. I know I need to step back for my own health, but how? What on earth is going on with her?
Philippa’s answer It seems your daughter is treating you as though you don’t deserve a life of your own. I have no idea what is going on with her – it seems she is acting in angry and punishing ways as though you owe her a great debt. Perhaps she is upset about her own childhood; perhaps she wants someone to blame for how hard she finds her life. I can only guess, but on reading your email I’m far more concerned about what’s going on for you. You understandably want to disprove this unhelpful label of “bad mother” and so feel obliged to stretch yourself beyond breaking point.
You are doing so much for your daughter that you have unsurprisingly become resentful. You are asking me “how” you can change things. I am presuming what is stopping you using the word “no” more often is fear of your daughter. Stretching yourself to breaking point has not stopped her manipulating you into doing more for her than is good for you. I expect you fear being on the receiving end of more of the bullying behaviour were you to stop being so obliging, but I don’t see how much worse it can get. Now is the time to say “No!” If you’ve not been in the habit of saying it before, it will feel frightening for you, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the key by which you do it.
You are approaching an age when it would be appropriate for caring to come your wayIf she asks you to do something that brings up resentment in you, that is all the reason you need not to do it. Don’t wait for her to give you permission not to do her bidding – you would have to wait a long time.
The signs that you are being bullied are her having unrealistic expectations of you and making unreasonable demands, which you have told me about. Other traits that bullying adult children often show are: blaming you when things go wrong; invalidating your thoughts and feelings; creating unnecessary drama; guilt-inducing emotional blackmail; acting in superior and condescending ways; making you the butt of a joke or otherwise undermining you; name-calling and accusations of selfishness; giving the silent treatment; and attempting to turn other family members against you. Recognise when any of these are happening and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by any of it. If she shows any of these types of behaviour, put down the phone or leave the room. You might not feel confident when you first start putting down boundaries, but act as though you do. Feelings follow behaviour, so you will become more confident as you get more used to not tolerating bullying behaviour.
You can also contact Age UK on 0800 678 1602. They may be able to advise you on how to further safeguard yourself from any more bullying. And if, in the future, your daughter becomes violent towards you no matter how minor you may feel it is, you can contact the police.
You are approaching an age when it would be appropriate for caring to come your way – and even if she is too self-absorbed to see this, you need to prioritise your own wellbeing. This is not selfish, it is necessary. If you go beyond your breaking point, you won’t be able to care for anyone, not even yourself.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
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