Redeem now - A 40-year-old working mom joined Ashley Madison after two years of no sex with her husband.
- She says separating her sex life and home life has been stressful but worthwhile.
- For now, she says she'd rather continue the affair than get a divorce.
Nikki's had so much sex without her husband, she can't imagine having sex with him now.
Two years ago, the 40-year-old joined Ashley Madison to take charge of her sexual fulfillment outside of her marriage.
"On paper, I'm married and in a normal 'happy' marriage. We're not sexually active for over two years, probably," Nikki, who asked to omit her last name for privacy reasons, told Insider.
Over the past few years, she noticed herself drifting apart from her husband and found the only bond they shared was their young children. When she talked to her husband about boosting their sex life, he was "non-responsive," she said. It felt like her interest in sexual exploration and her husband's vanilla tendencies were impossible to reconcile, but Nikki didn't want to end her marriage either, she said.
Instead, she went on an estimated 25 Ashley Madison dates, some which involved sex. Nine months ago, Nikki met a man on Ashley Madison she still sees today. What started as hotel rendezvous for playful sex turned into an emotional connection she never imagined. But Nikki's whirlwind affair isn't enough of a reason to get a divorce because her current setup brings balance to her life, she said.
She says her affair reduces resentment when she's home
When Nikki meets with her Ashley Madison lover, it's typically at hotels or bars and restaurants while she's traveling for work.
She said planning their meetups can be stressful, but she finds that stress worthwhile because is makes her a less resentful parent and wife.
"It's a lot of energy. It's a lot of thinking to constantly be on the ball and not let anything slip through the cracks, but also I'm happier when I come home because I can be more myself," Nikki said.
While she's away, Nikki will go to sex clubs with her lover, or they'll play with sex toys. She said the best part of their arrangement is that she doesn't fear sexual judgment or rejection, or worry her requests will make her husband feel hurt or unloved.
For Nikki, a divorce would be more selfish than continuing the affair
At this point, no change in her marriage or sex life would prompt Nikki to delete her Ashley Madison account, she said. To her, continuing to see her secret lover is less selfish than breaking up her family.
"It's just hard to say, 'Why don't you just be happy all of the time and get divorced?' Because you have family, and it's not that I don't love my husband," Nikki said. "I'm not in love with him, but I do love our family, and I love our kids and don't want to be selfish and disrupt that stability for them when what I'm doing right now is working for right now. And that's really all I know for sure."
When asked what she'd do if this nine-month sexual and emotional affair ends, Nikki says she'd likely get back on Ashley Madison.
"I feel like I would be so hurt. After some time, I feel like I would almost have to go back to Ashley Madison to get over it because I would just be stuck in an unhappy and unfulfilled marriage," she said.
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